Lee Chanhee is pretty.
No, scratch that, he was.
He finds himself standing in his bathroom for hours sometimes, since his school activities have slowed considerably, sometimes just staring into a mirror. Everything’s wrong, no matter how positive he tries to think. His face is proportionate- no, his nostrils are too wide and his lips are still a bit thin. His body is thin yet not too bony- no, his ribs are barely visible yet his hips are bony and small. Everything is wrong.
They say being in love makes you beautiful, they say that the other person is blinded by the flaws you have and loves you for you.
They were so wrong.
Everyone is wrong, that’s what the Musica is starting to realize. The praise for his good looks stopped now, and he knew now they lied. They see something he can’t- but what are they looking at? Chanhee sees imperfection; something undeniable. But who are these other people? What does Zelo see in him right now? He and the Android hadn’t spoken in a few days, which just made the Musica even more paranoid. He knew he shouldn’t have been so distrusting, but the Android could have better. He deserved better.
A familiar sensation of burning caressed his scalp, and he realized he should wash the dye out. Even thinking about this very notion got him thinking to when Zelo actually helped him when they had their first date, when he was brought down to a fun dance that ended in a strange kiss he ruled off as ‘friendly.’ They got closer though, no matter what they did, the two were inseparable. It was no surprise they got together, they were both the same yet different- two beings that complimented each other.
Well, they did.
Chanhee thinks his brain should stop jumping to such conclusions. His brain, however, thinks he should stop hoping for anything. And how do you argue with that? Quietly, lethargically, the Musica moves from standing in front of the sink to the bath tub, eagerly starting to wash his hair out, letting the brown dye immediately draining down the bathtub. He was doing this so he could have a new colour for summer, and maybe find one thing on his body that he could like.
One finished, he took one look and became disappointed again. Well, at least the colour wasn’t running from his hair.
As if tumbling dominoes, the first one immediately falls when Chunji continues to stare into the mirror- he does not just look, he observes, he scans, he rhythmically checks every point on his face, even staring down his pores on his face and the way his hair grows. Wet, stuck together hair tickles his too-long neck, where his adams apple is protruding heavily. Even his stomach seems bigger, no matter what angle he looks it, it looks like he’s gained weight. He can only fit a finger between his thighs, his thigh gap clearly bigger than it was before.
That’s the very last tipping point.
He decides he’s done with this weight struggle, he knows what he can do to truly stop himself from gaining anymore. The Musica found himself curled next to his toilet, staring at the white porcelain that made him even more anxious for this next action he’d take. But he has to do it. For Zelo, for himself.
Two fingers slide into his mouth, his index and middle finger, and they shakily make their way to the back of his mouth. Part of his mind is screaming no, to run and hide from his problems in Zelo’s embrace, but another side assures him he needs no more distraction; to do what he’s told and to go through with this. And maybe a third reminds him how ugly he is, accompanied by Zelo’s voice confirming it.
He doesn’t know how it happens, all he remembers is the putrid taste of stomach acid and the disgusting texture of what he had eaten today being thrown up into the toilet. After a few minutes of simply experiencing the horrible feeling, he felt even more utterly exhausted than before. His stomach was raw and empty, the brick in his body felt lifted and he almost instantly felt happier. It was weird though, how such a motion could make him feel so… so much better about himself.
It was then Lee Chanhee decided exactly what he’d do to lose the weight.